Tabitha Oakenfleur Sat Apr 25, 2015 5:19 amThis emotional block of text is spawned mostly by a comment made either today, Friday, or April 21st--whichever best applies to the time you're reading this--but also applies to many other situations where Tim and I have acted odd or missed / canceled events. This will be a bit awkward for me (well, maybe all of us) but Tim and I talked about it and decided I should just bite the bullet and that I need to try my best to explain what caused Tim's somewhat heated response in Skype. I'm posting it here on the forum because...well, I know how I write (especially when it's something emotional) and this will probably end up long so it would be a pain for everyone to read or find in a Skype window, nor do I want to interrupt some playful RP discussion with a talk about something that happened days ago and might have been forgotten or never read as an issue the first place. Still, I want to get this out there. And on that note, I want it to be clear that this is Melissa writing, and though Tim and I often share opinions and emotions, it is from my point of view, though I try to be objective about certain points. A second thing that is crucial for me to say is that this whole little essay of mine in no way means we are actually angry, we don't hate anyone, and we're not trying to accuse, point fingers, or make anyone feel guilty.
So, that was a long disclaimer. I'll try to actually get to it now.
Tim texted at least Le and Audra telling them that because I wasn't--and hadn't been--doing well, we weren't likely to come down to hang out in Napa. Looking at the specific text, it maybe could have been more clear or maybe we should have at least sent another text saying for sure we weren't coming. To clarify the chain of events: Right before Tim (and I) were going to leave Suisun for him to go to work, he saw a message in the Skype group chat that said "tim ditched us". He responded a few minutes later (when we saw it) with "Really? You think I just blew you guys off today cause I felt like it?"
Yes, his message was heated. Tim put the word ditched together with the text he sent about my health and felt that it was a low blow given the situation...an indirect attack at me for making us miss the get-together. And he responded defensively. The situation has bothered him all day. He didn't even tell me about the exchange until we were on the road and almost to Napa. I thought he was just stressed because of "my health" and that general "I don't want to go to work" dread. I don't think this single incident would really bother us that much taken alone...but similar things have been said in the past by various people and we want to make sure it doesn't happen again in the future. I know our reaction to the comments about our regularity or lack thereof isn't completely justified, seeing as I know for sure you all aren't mean or unsensitive people by any stretch, but we decided to make sure people knew where we were coming from now instead of letting it boil into another snap.
At this point I'm going to explain things even more personally. This will get very rambly, very quickly. I apologize for that.
Those times when we suddenly can't show up? Those are my fault. Almost unanimously, when Tim or I have made comments about me "not feeling well" or being "out of it", it's a (maybe not so subtle) euphemism for my depression and anxiety. I have panic attacks. I have what is sometimes severe depression. There are good days, bad days, very bad days, and the shades in between. There's little rhyme or reason to it; that would make it easy. Whether I want to do something or not--and believe me, most of the time I do--I might have a panic attack or fit of depression that creates this...mental barrier that I can't break through. Sometimes I can power through it and it ends up being something that fades away once I get dressed or actually manage to get out of the house and break the fog. But there are also some days--more lately--where I can't. I just...can't. Just lay face down on the floor and "I can't" style. Days where the more I try to convince myself I'm being lazy or overdramatic about leaving, the more upset I get that I can't just be a human and go out. The worst days I push myself to hysterics. Because, you know what? I want to go. I love you guys. So why am I not going? How stupid is it that I can be bored or lonely or miss y'all and then not be able to get out of the house?! It's that self-destructive spiral of mine that has, so many times, put Tim into such a difficult position. I'm basically a teary mess taking up the fetal position, but we've made plans to go out! Our D&D is even on a mostly predictable schedule, dammit! You know, somehow, when this aforementioned emotional wreck tries to tell Tim to go without her so she doesn't ruin the plans entirely and then devolves into a physically shaking panic attack when he grudgingly tries to leave the room, it makes things a bit stressful for the poor guy. I'm describing some of the worst case scenarios there, but even those times when it's less severe, I may ask to call it off for fear of being 'a downer' or Tim ends up making the call to stay home when I'm unwilling to make it myself.
A recent example of this is actually the day we were at campus for our game. It was a "very bad day", but in the morning I pushed myself to being able to go by at least getting a shower...and I felt a bit better then, I thought. But if anyone noticed, I was tense. Or, more than normal. I honestly don't know what I look like or how much other people pick up on my moods or nonverbals or subtle gestures to Tim (who over almost a decade of being with me knows a "I am on the edge of an attack" look) cause, well, it's hard enough to tell that on a perfectly normal basis...then add all my personality quirks and mental disorders and plain generalized awkwardness. But again, I was very tense, and on the verge of a panic attack the whole time. If any of you noticed that I was getting up even more often than usual...that was why. Once I had to lean in to Tim to tell him I needed to go for a walk, which I did, because I so badly needed to calm down. I was trying so hard not to break down into tears that were caused by absolutely nothing. That day was the only one I can remember where I didn't feel at least mostly better after actually getting in to it.
I wanted to go ahead and dump all that finally and just...set it against the fact that I value things like honesty and loyalty and friendship so highly. If I say I'm doing something, I want to do it. I want to be that dependable person. But the unpredictable nature of the things I'm going through flies right in the face of that virtue. I'm a difficult person to live with right now, and Tim is putting up with that. Has put up with that for a long time now. But I'm working on it, trying to work on it so hard, because I really do want to be that friend. I like going out, I like having fun, I like trying something new, and I like doing it with you guys. It's just a struggle right now.
And because this is technically the forum...have a relevant gif
So, that was a long disclaimer. I'll try to actually get to it now.
Tim texted at least Le and Audra telling them that because I wasn't--and hadn't been--doing well, we weren't likely to come down to hang out in Napa. Looking at the specific text, it maybe could have been more clear or maybe we should have at least sent another text saying for sure we weren't coming. To clarify the chain of events: Right before Tim (and I) were going to leave Suisun for him to go to work, he saw a message in the Skype group chat that said "tim ditched us". He responded a few minutes later (when we saw it) with "Really? You think I just blew you guys off today cause I felt like it?"
Yes, his message was heated. Tim put the word ditched together with the text he sent about my health and felt that it was a low blow given the situation...an indirect attack at me for making us miss the get-together. And he responded defensively. The situation has bothered him all day. He didn't even tell me about the exchange until we were on the road and almost to Napa. I thought he was just stressed because of "my health" and that general "I don't want to go to work" dread. I don't think this single incident would really bother us that much taken alone...but similar things have been said in the past by various people and we want to make sure it doesn't happen again in the future. I know our reaction to the comments about our regularity or lack thereof isn't completely justified, seeing as I know for sure you all aren't mean or unsensitive people by any stretch, but we decided to make sure people knew where we were coming from now instead of letting it boil into another snap.
At this point I'm going to explain things even more personally. This will get very rambly, very quickly. I apologize for that.
Those times when we suddenly can't show up? Those are my fault. Almost unanimously, when Tim or I have made comments about me "not feeling well" or being "out of it", it's a (maybe not so subtle) euphemism for my depression and anxiety. I have panic attacks. I have what is sometimes severe depression. There are good days, bad days, very bad days, and the shades in between. There's little rhyme or reason to it; that would make it easy. Whether I want to do something or not--and believe me, most of the time I do--I might have a panic attack or fit of depression that creates this...mental barrier that I can't break through. Sometimes I can power through it and it ends up being something that fades away once I get dressed or actually manage to get out of the house and break the fog. But there are also some days--more lately--where I can't. I just...can't. Just lay face down on the floor and "I can't" style. Days where the more I try to convince myself I'm being lazy or overdramatic about leaving, the more upset I get that I can't just be a human and go out. The worst days I push myself to hysterics. Because, you know what? I want to go. I love you guys. So why am I not going? How stupid is it that I can be bored or lonely or miss y'all and then not be able to get out of the house?! It's that self-destructive spiral of mine that has, so many times, put Tim into such a difficult position. I'm basically a teary mess taking up the fetal position, but we've made plans to go out! Our D&D is even on a mostly predictable schedule, dammit! You know, somehow, when this aforementioned emotional wreck tries to tell Tim to go without her so she doesn't ruin the plans entirely and then devolves into a physically shaking panic attack when he grudgingly tries to leave the room, it makes things a bit stressful for the poor guy. I'm describing some of the worst case scenarios there, but even those times when it's less severe, I may ask to call it off for fear of being 'a downer' or Tim ends up making the call to stay home when I'm unwilling to make it myself.
A recent example of this is actually the day we were at campus for our game. It was a "very bad day", but in the morning I pushed myself to being able to go by at least getting a shower...and I felt a bit better then, I thought. But if anyone noticed, I was tense. Or, more than normal. I honestly don't know what I look like or how much other people pick up on my moods or nonverbals or subtle gestures to Tim (who over almost a decade of being with me knows a "I am on the edge of an attack" look) cause, well, it's hard enough to tell that on a perfectly normal basis...then add all my personality quirks and mental disorders and plain generalized awkwardness. But again, I was very tense, and on the verge of a panic attack the whole time. If any of you noticed that I was getting up even more often than usual...that was why. Once I had to lean in to Tim to tell him I needed to go for a walk, which I did, because I so badly needed to calm down. I was trying so hard not to break down into tears that were caused by absolutely nothing. That day was the only one I can remember where I didn't feel at least mostly better after actually getting in to it.
I wanted to go ahead and dump all that finally and just...set it against the fact that I value things like honesty and loyalty and friendship so highly. If I say I'm doing something, I want to do it. I want to be that dependable person. But the unpredictable nature of the things I'm going through flies right in the face of that virtue. I'm a difficult person to live with right now, and Tim is putting up with that. Has put up with that for a long time now. But I'm working on it, trying to work on it so hard, because I really do want to be that friend. I like going out, I like having fun, I like trying something new, and I like doing it with you guys. It's just a struggle right now.
- I just want everyone to know on my behalf and Tim's, that just because we have to cancel something, it doesn't mean we wanted to. We want to do things, even though there are times we have to say we can't do them.
I think that's why those comments hit us so hard.
We do love you guys.
And I am sorry for those times I caused us to be the people who bailed out last minute.
That's not who either of us want to be.
I'm working on it. Please bear with me.
And because this is technically the forum...have a relevant gif
